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A Method for Resolving Conflict

This sermon was preached on September 6 at Church of the Redeemer in Astoria, Queens. You can listen to the English version here. It is available in Spanish below. / Este sermón fue predicado el 6 de septiembre en Iglesia del Redentor en Astoria Queens. Se puede escuchar a la versión en español aqui y el texto está disponible abajo. 

Today I’m going to talk about 1) isolation on the one hand and 2) one of the greatest challenges of living in Christian community on the other. 

On isolation: according to a 2023 study, half of the U.S. population is experiencing serious isolation, with a grave lack of real connections. This is happening especially among men and young people, and there are several causes: these days, people move more often for work, we interact more online instead of in person, and social media—though it increases the number of casual connections we have—frequently reduces the number of deep connections in our lives.

All of these trends were worsened by the pandemic, and the cost to our health is serious: according to this study, social isolation increases the risk of premature death by 29 percent, which is equivalent to taking up smoking 15 cigarettes every day.

So it’s clear that we humans have a profound need for real and deep connections. But this doesn’t mean that staying connected to one another is easy.

Recently, a Christian man asked on Twitter: “What keeps you from going to church every Sunday?” And the most popular answer was: “The people inside.”

Well, there’s a lot truth in that, right? We need community, we need connections - but in community there is conflict. In community there is gossip. In community there are different perspectives, sometimes judgment, there are different ways of seeing and thinking, as well as the difficulty of having to compromise with other people.

— 

Being in community is a beautiful thing, but 
It can also be challenging! 

So, as human beings, we are caught in a bind: we desperately need real connections, but community brings its own challenges. And in today’s Gospel, we hear Jesus talking about one of the most common challenges of living in community, which is the reality of conflict and the need to find resolution/reconciliation. Jesus outlines a simple process that all of us can learn and practice better.

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And what is this process?

First, Jesus says that if you believe someone is doing something wrong, we need to first talk to that person directly. We need to go to that person and tell them what we have seen, felt, or experienced, to see whether they recognize what they have done and apologize for their actions. Notice that this first step requires a certain amount of courage and directness.

And what should we do if the person who did wrong insists that they did nothing that requires an apology?

Jesus goes on to say that, in this situation, the offended person should find two or three witnesses who are willing to give their testimony by their own mouths against that person. Note: now it is no longer a situation between two individuals; we are involving other members of the community.

I recently watched a Spanish series, Muerte LC, in which a woman wants to file a complaint against her former boss for harassment, but she realizes that her case will be stronger if she has testimony from other victims. So she goes searching and, as it turns out, she finds many among the other female employees. So a group of them then came together to say, “Hey, we have a big problem here.”

Going back to the Gospel, Jesus presents a situation in which a person is unquestionably guilty, but even when there are two or three witnesses, the person refuses to confess and ask forgiveness for their mistake. So, Jesus continues, in this situation the victims have to bring the matter to the leadership of the community, to determine whether this person needs to be expelled for the well-being of all.

I need to emphasize that this is not for just anything. At this point, there is testimony, there are witnesses, there have been multiple attempts to reconcile, and it’s come to the sad conclusion that there is no other way to preserve the well-being of the whole. It is significant that in the passage after today’s lectionary excerpt, Jesus talks about forgiving not just seven times, but seventy times seven. Clearly, we should do everything possible to reach reconciliation, even though he is practical enough to acknowledge that sometimes this is not possible.

—

So, Jesus recommends this process for resolving conflicts and seeking reconciliation in community. Note how much courage and directness it requires on the part of the offended, and how the community has to get involved and come together as a whole. As someone who tends to avoid direct confrontation, it is a process for seeking reconciliation that we can all practice and get better at over time.

But before I finish, I want to talk about another process of reconciliation which we practice together each Sunday, and a little liturgical innovation coming out of the Church in Cuba to make this an even more collective experience.

In our service today, we began our liturgy with the confession of sin and absolution. In this confession, we all confessed our sins to God, including me, the priest. But note that in the absolution, the priest pronounces God’s forgiveness only for the sins of the others. The priest says: “Almighty God have mercy on you, forgive all your sins through Jesus Christ our Lord…”

But what about the priest’s sins? Where does their forgiveness come from?

Recently, I learned that in Cuba, some churches have developed a practice to solve this problem. After the priest pronounces forgiveness for everyone else, the community responds by asking God to also forgive the priest’s sins. So everyone confesses, and everyone receives forgiveness through the grace of God.

For me, this is more than a liturgical innovation. It speaks to the reality that where two or three are gathered, Christ is present, and that grace of God exist in community.

—

Being part of a community is vital, and many times it is beautiful, but it is not easy. And leading a community isn’t easy either, by the way. I can definitely think of times when I have made mistakes, when I have said something hurtful, or when I have handled a situation badly. All of us - including the clergy - need to learn how address conflict healthily, how to ask for forgiveness, and how to forgive. It is essential if we are going to move beyond isolation and into genuine Christian community.

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Hoy voy a hablar de dos cosas: por un lado, el aislamiento, y por otro, uno de los desafíos más grandes de vivir en comunidad cristiana.

Sobre el aislamiento: según un estudio de 2023, la mitad de la población de EEUU está sufriendo un aislamiento grave, con una falta seria de conexiones reales. Esto está pasando especialmente entre los hombres y los jóvenes, y hay varias causas: hoy en día, la gente se traslada más por su trabajo, interactuamos más en línea en vez de presencialmente, y las redes sociales —aunque aumentan el número de contactos leves que tenemos— frecuentemente resultan en una reducción del número de conexiones profundas en nuestra vida.

Todas estas tendencias fueron empeoradas por la pandemia, y el costo para nuestra salud es grave: según este estudio, el aislamiento social aumenta el riesgo de muerte prematura en un 29 por ciento, lo que equivale al riesgo de comenzar a fumar 15 cigarrillos cada día.

Entonces, está claro que nosotros, como seres humanos, tenemos una necesidad profunda de conexiones reales y profundas. Pero esto no significa que mantenernos conectados unos con otros sea fácil.

Recientemente, un cristiano escribió en Twitter: “¿Qué te previene de ir a la iglesia cada domingo?” Y la respuesta más popular fue: “La gente adentro”.

Bueno, hay un poco de verdad en eso, ¿no? Necesitamos comunidad, necesitamos conexiones, pero en comunidad hay conflictos. En comunidad hay chisme. En comunidad hay diferentes perspectivas, a veces hay juicio, hay diferentes maneras de ver y pensar, y está la dificultad de tener que llegar a acuerdos con otras personas.

—

Entonces, como seres humanos, estamos atados: necesitamos desesperadamente conexiones reales, pero la comunidad trae sus propios desafíos. Y en el evangelio de hoy escuchamos a Jesús hablando de uno de los desafíos más comunes de vivir en comunidad: la realidad del conflicto y la necesidad de encontrar una solución y una reconciliación. Jesús nos ofrece un proceso sencillo que todos nosotros podemos aprender y practicar mejor.

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¿Y cuál es este proceso?

Primero, Jesús dice que si creemos que alguien está haciendo algo malo, primero tenemos que hablar directamente con esa persona. Tenemos que acercarnos a esa persona y decirle lo que hemos visto, sentido o experimentado, para ver si reconoce lo que ha hecho y pide disculpas por sus acciones. Fíjense que este primer paso requiere cierto valor y una cierta franqueza.

¿Y qué debemos hacer si el acusado insiste en que no hizo nada por lo que tenga que pedir disculpas?

Jesús sigue diciendo que, en esta situación, la persona ofendida debe buscar dos o tres testigos que estén dispuestos a dar su testimonio por su propia boca en contra de esa persona. Fíjense: ahora ya no es una situación entre dos individuos; estamos incluyendo a otros miembros de la comunidad.

Recientemente vi una serie española, Muerte LC, en la que una mujer quiere presentar una denuncia contra su antiguo jefe por acoso, pero se da cuenta de que su caso será más fuerte si tiene el testimonio de otras víctimas. Entonces comienza a buscarlas y encuentra muchas entre las otras empleadas. Y entonces un grupo de ellas se reúne para decir: “Oye, tenemos un gran problema aquí”.

Regresando al evangelio, Jesús presenta una situación en la que una persona es claramente culpable, pero incluso cuando hay dos o tres testigos, la persona se niega a confesar y pedir perdón por su error. Entonces Jesús continúa: en esta situación, las personas ofendidas tienen que llevar el asunto al liderazgo de la comunidad, para determinar si esta persona tiene que ser expulsada por el bienestar de todos.

Tengo que subrayar que esto no es para cualquier cosa. A este punto, hay testimonios, hay testigos, ha habido varios intentos de reconciliación, y se ha llegado a la triste conclusión de que no hay otra manera de preservar el bienestar de toda la comunidad.

Es significativo que, en el pasaje que sigue al texto del leccionario de hoy, Jesús habla de perdonar no solo siete veces, sino setenta veces siete. Claramente, debemos hacer todo lo posible para llegar a la reconciliación, aunque Jesús es lo suficientemente práctico para reconocer que, a veces, esto no es posible.

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Entonces, Jesús recomienda este proceso para resolver conflictos y buscar la reconciliación en comunidad. Fíjense cuánto valor y franqueza requiere de parte de la persona ofendida, y cómo la comunidad tiene que involucrarse y reunirse como un todo. Como alguien que tiende a evitar la confrontación directa, este es un proceso de buscar la reconciliación que todos podemos practicar y mejorar con el tiempo.

Pero antes de terminar, quiero hablar de otro proceso de reconciliación que practicamos juntos cada domingo, y de una pequeña innovación litúrgica que viene de la Iglesia de Cuba para hacer de esto una experiencia aún más colectiva.

En nuestro servicio de hoy, comenzamos nuestra liturgia con la confesión de pecado y la absolución. En esta confesión, todos confesamos nuestros pecados a Dios, incluyéndome a mí, el sacerdote. Pero fíjense que, en la absolución, el sacerdote pronuncia el perdón de Dios solamente por los pecados de los demás. El sacerdote dice: “Dios omnipotente tenga misericordia de ustedes, perdone todos sus pecados por Jesucristo nuestro Señor…”

Pero ¿qué pasa con los pecados del sacerdote? ¿De dónde viene su perdón?

Recientemente aprendí que, en Cuba, algunas iglesias han desarrollado una práctica para resolver este problema. Después de que el sacerdote pronuncia el perdón para todos los demás, la comunidad responde pidiendo a Dios que también perdone los pecados del sacerdote. Así que todos confiesan, y todos reciben el perdón por medio de la gracia de Dios.

Para mí, esto es más que una innovación litúrgica. Habla de la realidad de que, donde dos o tres están reunidos, Cristo sí está presente, y de que la gracia y el perdón de Dios existe en comunidad.

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Ser parte de una comunidad es vital, y muchas veces es algo bello, pero no es fácil. Y liderar una comunidad tampoco es fácil, por cierto. Yo puedo pensar fácilmente en momentos en que me he equivocado, en que he dicho algo que hizo daño, o en que he manejado mal una situación.

Todos nosotros —incluyendo al clero— necesitamos aprender cómo enfrentar los conflictos de una manera saludable, cómo pedir perdón y cómo perdonar. Es esencial si queremos pasar del aislamiento a una verdadera comunidad cristiana.

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